CIRCUMSTANCE + BELIEF cause FEELINGS + BEHAVIOR

It is not external events that disturb us but our interpretation of their significance. (Epictetus, Roman philosopher - born 55 AD)

• An external event is just that, external to us.  It is our mind which attaches significance to it (e.g. Half empty vs. half full; It’s just not fair; That’s awful!).

• Beliefs act as prisms through which I view events.

• The feeling I then have is not a reaction to the event but to my interpretation of it.

• If I were to change the interpretation, I would change the feeling. [Being alcoholic means: I am a failure - vs. - I have a treatable illness].

• These beliefs are like hidden traps that can take us down emotionally and lead to self-defeating cycles of feelings, reactions and behavior that tend to reinforce distorted beliefs.

• I have the power to stop being a victim of events (a cork on the waves).By learning to recognize problem thinking I can reinterpret the significance of an event.

• Reactive Thinking Errors and Irrational Beliefs about ourselves and reality, rob us of our freedom and serenity by causing us to feel like “victims” of circumstances.

I           REACTIVE THINKING ERRORS

• All-or-Nothing Thinking.  Seeing things in black-or-white categories. [If your performance falls short of perfection, you see yourself as a failure].

• Emotional “Reasoning”.Denying that your negative feeling/emotions are affecting the objectivity of your thinking.
• Overgeneralization. Seeing a single negative/positive event as forecasting a never-ending pattern of defeat or success. [Upon some minor thing going wrong with a car.  “Watch out, the whole damn thing is getting ready to fall apart.”]
• Labeling. An extreme form of over-generalization. [Instead of saying: “He made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to some person or some thing: “He’s such a loser”; or, “I’m a failure”; or, “That profession, they’re all crooks”].
• Disqualifying the Positive.  Refusing to consider positives that might change our opinion: [“That doesn’t count”; “What do they know?”]
• Jumping to Conclusions/Mind-reading. Arriving at negative interpretations without sufficient evidence.  This may involve mis-reading what others are thinking or predicting negative outcomes for oneself based on a hunch or feeling.
• Personalization. Blaming myself inappropriately as being the    cause of a negative event [e.g. my child’s problems with drugs, my parent’s divorce, etc.).
• Magnification (catastrophizing) or Minimization. Exaggerating the importance of errors or problems or inappropriately belittling the significance of one’s own assets.
•   “Should” Statements. Trying to motivate myself by “I shoulda this… I shoulda that…” in the mistaken belief that self-hatred will encourage me[“The floggings will continue till morale improves”].

 II    IRRATIONAL BELIEFS

                 (A)  The “Not Enough” Distortion:

Because I believed that I am not:

• clever enough____
• educated enough___
• likeable enough___
• loveable enough___
• attractive/handsome enough___
• thin enough___
•  
•  

When __________________________________happened

I felt:

• inadequate___
• a failure___
• rejected___
• fearful___
• depressed___
• ashamed___
• guilty___
• 
  

[These are not exhaustive lists.  Add Beliefs and Reactions from your own experience]

(B) The “It’s My Job” distortion :

Because I believed that I must:

• know the answers to/ understand everything___
• solve every problems told to me___
• never make a mistake/be wrong___
• take care of everyone___
• succeed at everything I try___
• always win approval___
• be accomplishing___
• be perfect___
• 
  

When I didn’t succeed at ______________________________

I felt

• worthless___
• a failure___
• despised___
• fearful___
• guilty___
• ashamed___
• depressed___
• 
  

[These are not exhaustive lists.  Add Beliefs and Reactions from your own experience]

(C) The “If they knew who I am” or, “It’s just not fair” distortion:

Because I believed that:

• I am entitled to get whatever it is I want___
• I am exceptional___
• I must be treated with consideration by everyone___
• my needs and wants should be noticed and cared for___
• I have the right to tell others how to live___
• my opinions are right and should be followed___
• I have a right to people’s attention___
• I have a right to be rich and famous___
• I shouldn’t have to have an illness like this___
• I shouldn’t have to learn by experience___
• I have a right to be successful at whatever I start___
• Others should meet my expectations and behave as I want them to___
• 
  

 When this did not happen:

 I felt:

• angry___
• resentful___
• frustrated___
• despondent___
• alienated___
• sulky___
• insulted___
• rejected___
•  
•  

 [These are not exhaustive lists.  Add Beliefs and Reactions from your own experience]

 III        “The Pivot”  CHALLENGING BELIEFS

 Having identified the Irrational Belief that affected our reaction to a particular circumstance, we then:

 (1) Challenging the truth of the belief (examples):

(i)                 Why do I believe I’m not clever enough?  Who was it told me that?  What did they know?  Why do I believe them?

(ii)              Why am I not allowed to make a mistake?  Where is that written?

(iii)            Why must I be the one to take care of everybody? Says who?

(iv)             Why do I think I am especially privileged? What have I done to deserve such special treatment by life?

  (2) Selecting a more rational belief (for the examples):

(i)                 I may not be Einstein, but I’m at least as clever as most of my friends; more than some, less perhaps than others.

(ii)              To err is human, and I am human. I have a right to make a mistake and get past it.

(iii)            I am willing to do my part - and more, but others have an equal obligation. I can’t do their part for them.

(iv)             I’m equal to others – neither more nor less. If I want something I should earn it. If I have a misfortune or illness the question is not, “Why me?” but “Why not me?” An irrational sense of entitlement leads to disappointment and hurt for me and arouses hostility in others.

IV       CYCLES OF SELF-DEFEAT

When my unreasonable belief distorts my reaction to an event, it very often causes me to act in a way I might not otherwise do.

My behavior then can have repercussions on how others perceive me - and treat me.

The effect of this is to reinforce in me the original negative belief or strengthen another irrational belief.

Thus:

[I Believe I am not clever enough to be accepted by others].

In a group someone is talking about something I know nothing about.

Feeling inadequate, I act in a hostile or dismissive way, or, I withdraw from the conversation entirely.

The others perceive me as ill mannered and egotistical or antisocial.

In either case they avoid me.

Consequently, I feel alienated and “not enough”.

I have reinforced my irrational belief that I am not clever enough.

Pivot:  I might challenge the belief that I have to know everything. I could then ask the person speaking to fill me in about whatever it is.

There is every chance that such new behavior would set me off on a different relationship with my friends - and even with myself.      

USING THE WORK SHEETS

        The 3 column worksheet has the following heading over each column: 

         Circumstance/Event;  I Think it Means;  It Made me Feel

• It is suggested that you begin by writing down in the 1st column the CIRCUMSTANCE and in the 3^rdcolumn the FEELING/MOOD that results from this and how you are REACTING.  [e.g.: I am told I am an alcoholic and this makes me feel angry, hopeless, depressed, guilty & I sulk and withdraw; or I am told I made a mistake and I feel worthless and inadequate and depressed; or, I find myself standing alone at a gathering and I am becoming increasingly resentful and withdrawn].
• Next, for the 2^ndcolumn, ask: “What THINKING/BELIEF is causing me to feel this way about this CIRCUMSTANCE?” [e.g.: What belief about alcoholism causes me to feel so bad? Why does some minor mistake make me feel such a sense of failure? Why am I so annoyed that nobody came up to me at the party and introduced me to everyone?]
• The PIVOT: you challenge the THINKING or BELIEF [Why do I cling to the outdated belief that alcoholism is a sign of weak character? Where is it written that I must be perfect? Who am I that I’m entitled to special attention?]
• Find alternative ways of THINKING/BELIEVING about the CIRCUMSTANCE  [e.g. Since alcoholism is defined as a disease I could think of myself as getting well from an illness. Every human being makes mistakes. Maybe I should behave like an ordinary person and introduce myself to the group.]

Look under Charts/Worksheet for samples.

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